dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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