I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
