just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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