I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
