I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
