Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Randomize
