I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
