i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
bring money and cleavage
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
