at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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