I'm pants shitting drunk right now
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
