after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
