I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's never too late to be topless.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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