Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
