Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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