i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
