John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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