wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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