community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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