i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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