you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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