It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
