Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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