I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
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Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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