if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
