it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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