i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
