i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
