I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
