This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
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