Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Your penis caused this!
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