Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
