Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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