I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
