Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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