did you get engaged???
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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