batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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