I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
