Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
