I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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