When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
