dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
