Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Found your dick twin last night
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
