I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
