Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
