Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
