now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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