Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
