I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
