I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
