My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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