So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
