I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
