Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
