I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I cannot find my penis.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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