Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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